Lately I've been having a rough time of it. I am feeling the despair of a quitter. Things are not going my way with irritating consistency right now. My disability problem with my left knee seems to be coming back after all my hard work to correct it. But, also, with the change in weather my 68 year old body is sounding alarms all over the place--the shoulder, the neck, my good leg, even my chest. Sometimes I even entertain the thought that I'm 'just too old', whatever that means! I guess it means I am considering quitting on my health and just letting myself die from self-neglect.
I look at Arthur's you tube video, but then I discount it because I am much older. I try to talk myself into a better frame of mind, but then my body reminds me of defeat. So, how can I get out of this funk? Well, that is what my supportive community is for, but if I never let them know my despair they can not help me. And....I have to remember those times when I was in this dark place before and managed to get through it.
Life doesn't improve in a steady upward scale toward the coveted goal. No, it sometimes goes down a slippery slope only to go up again toward the goal. But, if I don't keep faith and keep working with consistency and fortitude, how do I expect to go back up toward my goal?
It would help to remember those times when I've been on the edge of the black hole before. Like, when my 21 year old marriage ended with the words from the husband I still loved so much, "I want a divorce". Wow, was that a roller coaster ride up and down so close to that black hole. How about the first year of my 26 years of sobriety from alcohol. That was a toughie. How about when my daughters didn't want to talk to me for ten years. Look how close they are to me now! The abuse in my childhood was no easy ride either. So, why would I quit on myself now?
So, I am here blogging to remind myself, "Don't you DARE quit on yourself, Kathy!" Even if I am not able to turn around my disability all the way, I have to remember there are millions who live with disability. I mean, did Helen Keller quit? No, she did not. She used her many disabilities to better humanity, and she did it with grace and humility. I am sure she had some bad days near the black hole, but she sucked it up and marched on. And now, I will too.
If any of you feel like you're close to the black hole, reach out to others who know how to be constructively supportive and gather faith in yourself so you can crawl away from the edge of that black hole. I'll be crawling away with you. I mean, after all, we have one of the greatest support groups available to us through DDPY.